Posted On : 22nd September 2022
When it comes to relationships, it seems that everyone has advice: your parents, your friends, Google, etc.
With all this advice, you might ignore the most obvious expert in finding your “other half”. That expert is YOU.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of good dating advice out there. In just a few clicks, you can get advice on:
● How to look your best on a date (PS If you scroll, you learn how to “look hot” on a date)
On top of that, there are plenty of apps to help you pick the right date with a swipe or a slide.
Your friends and/or parents might even provide good advice in your relationship hunt for the perfect match. They know your preferences, annoying habits, etc., better than anyone and can use that knowledge to help you make a better decision.
Unfortunately, they aren’t you.
No matter how much advice you get, the ultimate expert of your date life is actually...YOU. Most of us just don;’t know it yet.
Most of us don’t realize that we hold the key to finding our ideal partner. Because of that belief, we do a couple of things that draw us off the path. Some of those things include:
● Relying too much on external sources (aka your friends, Cosmopolitan magazine, etc.) for advice
● Reacting on patterns in our life (For example, dating someone rich just because our ex didn’t have a lot of money)
● Staying in bad relationships
By relying too much on what others think or say, we give up our power to choose. We forget that we choose “the one.”
Despite the myth that “the one” just pops up out of thin air, there is actually more going on.
While you might be attracted to a person, both of you must choose to be in a relationship.
You decide to “hang out” or “chill and Netflix” with this person rather than someone else. You decide to keep communicating with this person versus another person.
It’s all about decision. YOUR decide to keep doing the things that keep your relationship growing.
It all comes back down to you.
So if you are the main expert in your dating life and you have the power to choose your relationships, why is dating so hard? Why is finding “the one” more of a search and less like a dating app?
Jasmin Terrany, a psychotherapist, has some insight. In any relationship, there are at least two ingredients, you and you + your partner.
There’s always you..with your habits, quirks, talents, and weaknesses ...and the “you” that is with your partner, which together create a whole new dynamic.
The problem is, most of us will gladly take advice on our choice of partners, but we will rarely look at ourselves in the situation. We’ll ask a friend if this person is a “good fit” for us. Very rarely will we ask if we are “good fit” for them.
As a result, we lose the most powerful element of a relationship..YOU. If we have the power to choose who we want to be in a long-term relationship and if we are the best expert on ourselves, then why aren’t using that power?
Why aren’t we taking the time to reflect on what we truly want in a relationship and who truly want to be with. Why don’t we reflect on whether our current relationship is creating the patterns we want in life with in the future (as podcast guest Sharon Hughes shared)?
Why aren’t we reflecting on our contributions to our relationships?
It’s because, in many cases, we’re still searching. Even if we’re in a relationship, we’re still searching for “the perfect one.” We compare our partners to other partners. We compare our relationship styles and patterns to others. We try to “fix” our partner to fit some perfect image.
As a result, we keep chasing ...and keep searching. Instead of taking some time to sit down BEFORE we get into a relationship to figure out “ourselves”, we jump into another relationship.The cycle begins again.
Unless we take the time now (and throughout our relationship), to understand what we truly want.We will end up chasing what we don’t need